I first re-entered the dating world, I was scared shitless. I didn’t know how to flirt anymore. I was emerging from a two-year stint as a left-behind spouse who just wanted to have her damn husband back. I was realizing that I deserved better but I had no idea what better was. And I had spent years of believing that I needed to be better or try harder. In essence, my self-esteem was buried in doubt and fear.
I did a lot of soul searching. I did a lot of praying. I made new friends. I enrolled in a weekend program that changed my life for the better. I reclaimed my sexy. I read books like He’s Just Not That Into You and Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man. I had fun getting out in the world. Leaving behind the comfort zone of fear and doubt. I dated.
I found out what I didn’t want. I figured out what I wanted. And what I deserved. And when I reunited with Marco… I was ready. And it’s fucking awesome.
This morning, in the line at Starbucks, I eavesdropped overheard a conversation that really reminded me of how far I had come.
Hot Fireman was in line ahead of me. He was maybe 22 years old. Another dude walked in who I will call Playah. He also was in his early twenties. Not exactly “hot” but attractive… the kind of guy who is so sure of himself, he can get away with dressing like a slob and make it endearing. He tells is friend the Fireman, “dude, I had the strangest encounter last night. Holy shit…”
Fireman: “some chick right?”
Playah: “Dude, how’d you know? Heh.” (they fistbump) “No, check it out. l was supposed to go out with this chick for dinner, right? But I blew her off because this other chick…”
Fireman: “Dude…” laughs, like this is par for the course for Playah.
Playah: “I know… check it out. So I call her and say I can’t make it. And I go pick up the other chick, and pull in front of her place and see her coming out of the house. And my phone rings, and it’s the chick I blew off. And she’s all, I saw your car pass by and I thought I’d call so I could say hi. I’m pulled over down the street….”
Fireman: “No way.”
Playah: “Dude, she’s down the fucking street. And the other chick is coming toward my car. I didn’t know what to do. I hung up on her and drove down a few blocks. And called her back. This shit has never happened before. I don’t know how I did it, but I called her and talked to her for a minute, and then drove back to pick up the first chick…”
By this time, I was totally straining to hear them. But they got to the front. and he ordered a Venti Drip. And then added a Skinny Hazelnut Latte. And I could only think, who’s the latte for? The first chick or the second chick? Or more likely, some other chick?
I don’t know how the Playah’s story ended. But all I could think of, was that the young Lex could have totally been one of those girls. Putting up with crap from some dude, thinking that I would CHANGE HIM and make the adorably hopeless GUY into Prince Charming.
And I was sad for those girls. And glad that I was able to finally stop diminishing my self-worth. That not only do I know that I deserve better… but I HAVE better.